How true this is!

I am writing this post in response to a request from my friend Alisa Donner, co-founder of Pregnancy Awareness Month (PAM). Clearly, I am NOT a mom, though, perhaps, close. I’ve been a full-time single dad for five years – raising my now 13-year-old daughter Meryl Fé, while being the sole bread-winner. So I can relate to cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, consoling, corralling, home-work coaching etc…all while building a business, making a living and trying to make a difference.

The purpose of this post (and the two that will follow) is to acknowledge and celebrate the role of moms in general and working moms in particular, and ideally to support and inspire moms who have recently returned to “outside work” or are about to do so.

Circumstances

When we return to outside work (that is, work other than that of parenting and related household work) – whether it requires that we leave home or work from home – we are coming out of a deep immersion in another experience. Here are a few of the elements of this domain.

•  Baby Brain: We used to refer to the mind state that emerges through focusing on and connecting with the baby as Baby Brain. It is a distinctly different orientation that focusing on and connecting with adults. And it requires or evokes a different and, I propose, deeper level of immersion, even absorption.
• Sleepus interruptus: OK, if you’ve been there, it requires no explanation. This condition can be accompanied by: Physical, metal emotional exhaustion. A sense of desperation. Hallucinations.
• Strong Attachment: Clearly, the attachment with and to our babies does not begin and end with the umbilical cord. It deepens and strengthens in many ways beyond the physical dependency and “supply” of the womb and early nursing and nurturing. As our babies’ senses and capacities are activated and we increasingly engage with each other through multiple channels, our attachment deepens.
• Nature’s Pace (or Babies’ Pace) versus Machine’s Pace (or Organization’s Pace or Money’s Pace): Nature’s Pace includes responding to cries for food, resting together during cycles of growth and integration and being present for emerging needs and developments. The other pace is often more arbitrary, contrived and counter to our own natural rhythms, not to mention those of our babies and young children.

In the next post in this three-part series, I will explore the idea of Mom’s Creating Value.

Resources:

Momsrising.org

Strollerstrides.com

Pregnancyawarenessmonth.com

Jeff Klein is CEO of Working for Good, a company that activates, produces and facilitates mission-based, Stakeholder Engagement Marketing™ campaigns and Conscious Culture development programs.

Jeff is a trustee and member of the executive committee of Conscious Capitalism, Inc. and authored the award-winning book, Working for Good: Making a Difference While Making a Living. He is producing Being Human 2012, on March 24, 2012 in San Francisco.

Jeff contributed a piece entitled “Growing Together – A Father’s Story” in Ordinary Men, Extraordinary Lives: Defining Moments – Men’s Anthology

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What is a birthing plan? The internet has sample documents to peruse.  Simply put, it is a document that clearly outlines how you want your labor day to unfold, and who you want to be there.  The word “want” is strategically utilized here.  Why?  Because it is labor, it is birth, it is an organic experience that is completely unpredictable, with one exception: your baby will be born that day.  How? Where? With complications to your or the baby? Only time will truly tell, but you can envision, plan, discuss with your partner, your medical provider, your doula, and do your best to steer it in the direction that meets your values and desires.  This is the template your birthing team will use, so make sure they understand it.

Before you write it, talk and read.  Ask questions to friends, medical folk, your mom, and other women that have birthed. Allow yourself to think through all aspects of your birthing day.  Fully visualize the ultimate outcome.  Prepare for any changes, which might occur. Now is the time to discuss and plan with your birth team.  It is better to prepare for potential shifts and know what your Plan B, C, and D is instead of needing to make a decision in a moment of shock.  Do not feel that by thinking some of this through ahead of time, with your partner, and discussing the full range of possibilities with your medical provider that you are jinxing your labor day.  You are NOT!  You are actually taking a major step into becoming a parent, which is a constant state of decision-making: requiring choices to be made several times each day, that take into account yourself, your baby, and your family.

Write it out in as simple a format as possible. Share it with your medical provider, in person, a good month ahead of time.  Mail in a copy with your hospital pre-registration forms.

A birthing plan for the hospital takes a slightly different function than the one you use at home births or at birthing centers.  There will be nurses assigned to your birth team at the hospital that you have never met before, that do not know what you have been hoping for.  Depending on how long your birth takes, there may even be a change of shift, where the original nurse assigned to you leaves and is replaced by someone new.  This tool is to make sure that they understand your plan, and that your handpicked team members can communicate to the hospital staff with you.

Be clear. Be concise. Have your partner bring a copy to the hospital separate from the several copies in the folder that you bring.  Have your doula bring a copy.  Share a copy with the charge nurse and the nurse assigned to your room.

Why do you need to be explicit about what happens with the baby post delivery?  First of all, you will be tired, very tired.  Also, in the event that you are recovering from a c-section or other unanticipated medical intervention, the clarity of the written word will provide the direction that you may not be available to verbally remind or express at that time.

You have the right to create this plan.  It will be as individual as you are.  No birth plan is wrong.  It is a personal choice put in motion.  Congratulations on stepping into this journey.

Alisa Donner, MSW, LCSW, Mom and Co-founder Pregnancy Awareness Month®

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How it all started…
A baby’s sleep schedule is arguably the most important factor for a balanced, happy family.  Most parents are taught about the comfort and benefits achieved from Swaddling, which has been practiced for hundreds of years. What we don’t know from the get-go is what a pain in the butt it can be. Wrapping baby. Rewrapping baby. Wrapping baby. Rewrapping baby…on and on and on it goes, all night long.
Our little Bella came five weeks early.  Due to her super startle reflex paired with mighty-mouse strength, she unraveled herself within 15 minutes…ALL NIGHT LONG. I found Bella time and time again with the swaddle blanket unwrapped and up over her face making her hot and red – very scary to say the least.

We tried every swaddle we could find; even the ones with Velcro – nothing worked.  I searched every store and website for a swaddle that would stay put, but found nothing.  What frustration….this effected everyone in our home and was both emotionally and physically draining.

Innovative thinking to solve a problem…

Clearly there was a need for a different solution.  With my RN background, mom determination and okay sewing skills, one sleepless night, I took out my grandmother’s sewing machine and created the first Woombie.  I needed something that would stay intact and snug, but at the same time, allow Bella to stretch if needed, where the fabric would then automatically re-conform to a snug cocoon-like peanut shape afterwards. I sewed and sewed until Bella was gently “contained.”  No “arms pinned to the side swaddle”- a stretchy but effective peanut shape that imitated the womb.  Low and behold it worked!  Bella loved it and started sleeping better right away.

Bella in our first prototype

After a month of prototyping, the Woombie was born. After further testing and research, our product was launched nationally December of 2007, and Worldwide in late 2008.


A typical morning in the Barksi home…

Between 1:00am – 3:00am, all three little ones make way to our bedroom and sneak into whatever spot they can find on the bed.

This is how each day starts…six or so hours of being elbowed, cuddled and/or kicked in the face.

6:30am: Morgan (17) begins her day and is off to High School (College in the Fall!).

7:00am: Kaia (10) gets up and prepares for school independently.

By 8:00am, Bella (5) along with the twins Bryce (3.5) and Brody (3.5) make way downstairs demanding breakfast.

My husband and I cross over each other in the kitchen getting one child a yogurt while the other two want pancakes.  Good nutrition is essential before they start their day of exploring, learning, playing and growing.
I answer emails between all of this, mostly with the Woombie manufacturer having production/design questions.

I make coffee, tea, and green juice.  Then off to work with Buddha (bulldog-shitsu) and FiFi (poodle-shitsu).

Carolina, our AuPair, takes the kids over at this point, getting the three little ones to preschool by noon.

Stash is off to his office for the day.

For me it’s to the warehouse and office to monitor logistics, art, graphics, inventory, web stats, following up on calls…the day to day duties of business.

Then onto spreadsheets, invoicing, more calls and emails, trade show plans and booth designing - and whatever else pops up…

And this is all before noon!
“It’s a crazy life, but it’s our life.”

From left to right: Bryce, Morgan, Bella, Karen, Kaia, Brody and Stash

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Learn the skills to stop fighting, build trust, intimacy & love at http://poweroftwomarriage.com. Marriage, like having a baby, doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We aren’t born knowing how to best approach sensitive topics, how to deal with jealousy, or negotiate who takes the garbage out. Marriage is wonderful but tough, especially around times of change like having a baby. With the expectation of blissful “happily ever after” hanging over our heads, marriage challenges can seem insurmountable and make divorce appear the only option.

Psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler designed Power of Two, a marriage help book and workbook, with these modern challenges in mind. PO2 is based on Skill Based Learning. It approaches marriage problems with the idea that couples can learn tangible, practical skills that will help them have a strong, healthy marriage. These skill areas include dialogue and compassionate listening, win-win decision-making, and maintaining warmth and positivity. As opposed to traditional talking therapy, Skill Based Learning focuses on giving you the tools to continue to solve your own problems as they arise in the future, not just to solve specific ones in the moment.

In 2007 Dr. Heitler’s daughter, Dr. Abigail Hirsch, also a couples therapist, joined with a small team of friends and family to take Susan’s books to the next level. They applied for and received a grant from the Federal Department of Health and Human Services under the Healthy Marriages Initiative. This provided the funding to turn the book and workbook into a multimedia online marriage counseling program. The idea was to make help for marriage as easy and widely accessible as possible. After creating an account, users now have access to an extensive array of worksheets, videos, flash games, and podcasts covering key areas of marriage skill building. Each member is assigned a real live coach–often Dr. Hirsch herself–to guide them through the curriculum. Members can log in to PO2 anywhere, anytime, and do it alone or with their spouses. The program cost is subsidized by the government grant, meaning that help is vastly more affordable than most therapy services.

Power of Two is working to dissolve the stigma that “counseling” and “therapy” hold for so many Americans and stop divorce by bringing effective, quality care to couples at all stages in their relationship. Pregnancy Awareness Month plays an important part in raising awareness about the needs of new moms and dads at this big point in their lives. Dr. Hirsch is excited to be writing a series of two guest posts for PAM on how couples can prepare for and deal with the stresses and joys of bringing a new child into the world.

Guest post by Naomi Grunditz, blogger for Power of Two Online.

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That got us through that night, but the longer term solution involved researching and reading about humidifiers, vaporizers, nostril aspirators, saline drops, homeopathy, dietary changes, you name it!  Over the counter decongestants: there is a lot of debate out there about when they are effective, the FDA says not to use under the age of 4.  Dr. Alan Greene identifies potential side effects: sleeplessness, drowsiness, irritability, increased blood pressure.  We recommend speaking with your pediatrician or medical provider BEFORE purchasing any OTC.  And if you have an infant with a fever of any type, contact your medical provider and discuss.  Pretty much all the research agrees: moisture or humidity can soothe the symptoms of colds and stuffy noses.

Our first purchase was a vaporizer, and it worked great, except: 

• incredibly difficult to clean
• the room required airing out afterwards; it produced a lot of moisture.
• mist created by boiling water, the unit itself becomes hot, so if you have a toddler that is crawling = burn risk.
• you can add essential oils into the machine (mine required to add salt).

We moved onto humidifiers a more sophisticated machine, yet also puts moisture in the air without boiling water.  Some have a cool mist or a hot mist option.  Moisture is moisture, and the temperature doesn’t matter.  Don’t add any substance to this type of machine, just plain water.

FAQ: 

• Sitting water can breed bacteria.
• Change the water. (Modern humidifiers like Crane’s, have smaller tanks that don’t allow water to store for more than 2 days. They also have auto shut-off in the event the water runs too low for the motor, not something my vaporizer had, and I admit to burning out more than one motor!)
• Don’t forget to change the basin! (There is a basin under the tank where water collects.  Change at the same time you change the water tank.  It requires that you unplug the machine, but do it, bacteria may cause other illnesses, and the whole point of using a moisture adding machine is to reduce illness and symptoms!)

As Katie Sotor of Crane-USA says, “It’s still water folks!  So regardless of the machine, or if it has the anti-microbial protection, change the water every 2 days.”  She also recommends disinfecting it every 7 days with a tank full of water and 2-3 caps of vinegar, don’t turn it on, just let it sit for a good 30 minutes.

Using moisture in the air while you sleep is a great non-medical option for infants, young children, and adults.  So if you are pregnant or nursing and want to reduce the symptoms of a cold or reduce the potential of getting one, consider it.  And saline drops in the nose whether stuffy or as a preventive can be very helpful.

Alisa Donner, MSW, LCSW, Co-Founder, Pregnancy Awareness Month®

This is not meant as medical advice – consult with your medical provider as needed.

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Diapers. “No, honey, I changed the last one. It’s your turn.” Why do diapers ignite such feels of duress and intimidation? Maybe it’s the screaming baby, kicking their tiny feet. Or does it have to do with the surprise lurking under those cute onesies? Alas, The Diaper Guru is here to teach you that diapers don’t have to be intimidating.

Perhaps my owning a diaper service and seeing thousands of dirties coming through each week, have numbed me of the diaper dread. But my thought is- why not have fun with them? Yes, there will be changes that will challenge your gag reflexes, but as baby gets older, those get fewer and fewer.

While teaching new moms in my diapering seminars, one of the most common questions is, “How many diapers do babies go through?” To be on the safe side, expect during the first few sleep-deprived weeks to change between eight to ten A DAY!!! Yes, I said per day. Don’t believe me, see for yourself. Your doctor will most likely want you to keep a 24-hour log of feedings and eliminations. Don’t worry though, as the weeks go by (and they do quickly) you will have fewer changes and after a few months you’ll be able to count on one hand the number of changes during the day.

According to WebMD {http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/toilet-training-topic-overview}, the average age of potty training is about 37 months. That’s a lot of time and a lot of changes. Do that math and you’ll discover that comes to about 8000 diaper changes during infancy. Why not try to make this time fun? Why dread the two minutes while you and your baby get to spend time together during each change? One day, you’ll be missing these precious moments and wanting to kiss their little feet, even if that means you’d have to change the dirty diaper that is sure to come with it!

Next month: Turning the quantity of diaper changes into quality time with baby.

THE DIAPER GURU is a monthly Pregnancy Awareness Month column written by Laura Gately of Blessed Bums Organic Diaper Service. Laura is a happy mama to her first baby, Madeleine. She is the founder and owner of Blessed Bums Organic Diaper Service in Los Angeles where she lives with her family.

Photos used with permission of a Creative Commons license.

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Since that time, as you can imagine, we’ve done a lot of research about the benefits of playing sounds to the womb (you can read some studies on our website here) – one of which we had an opportunity to experience firsthand with our now 10 month old daughter, Roma.  Right around the 32^nd week of the pregnancy our OB told us that the baby was in the breech position (there’s a short video of our experience at our OB’s office here).  My wife had had a totally natural birth with our first and was determined to do it again so a caesarean section was not an ideal option for us.  We knew that midwives and doulas, among other techniques (read more here), recommended playing pleasant music down low on the abdomen to encourage the baby to turn toward it.  So we decided to become a Bellybuds case study and Jama began placing the buds on the underside of her belly and playing Mozart (and a little Dave Matthews) for about a half hour a day.  Well, within a couple days, Roma had turned downward to the proper position and we ended up having a successful natural birth!

Babies often will end up turning on their own, but I’ll tell you, what was most valuable was that my wife had an option to do something herself, that she was able to be pro-active in helping turn the baby instead of just sitting around waiting and hoping that it would happen.  As satisfying as it is to run this business and hear from customers that they enjoy the product, that experience was a topper and it’s one that I love to share with the hope that it may help others.

Curtis Williams, Creator & Co-founder of Bellybuds LLC and father of two beautiful girls

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I share these stories first to honor and remember those in my life that have bore this experience.  I also share to inspire us as women, of any age, to get informed and take steps to life a more healthy life, and most importantly, get to know your body.  Become the expert on your body.  Be aware of any changes in your breasts, studies continue to show that women self identify lumps or irregularities.  Certainly while you are pregnant and while you are breast-feeding, your breasts change a lot.  It is also not necessarily the time to have a general mammogram screening.  If you suspect something is different, or you find something that you don’t feel comfortable with, like a rash or a lump, talk to your medical provider.  We always encourage open dialogues between women and their health care team.  Remember, you are a member of that team, and definitely the center of focus.

Just as we nurture a loving relationship with our mates and our children, we must do the same with ourselves.  Eat healthy, preferably organic, whole foods, exercise and make real steps toward a non-sedentary lifestyle.  Find space in your day regularly to pause, breathe, and be still; connect to a higher peace.   These practices and lifestyle choices enthuse us, help us to feel better about ourselves, and give us the strength as we walk through all of life’s experiences.  Being a parent is a daily surrender to knowing that we control so little, yet have a responsibility to so much.

As October draws to a close, I am sending extra thoughts of love and life to all families and women everywhere.

In light,

Alisa Donner, Co-Founder, Pregnancy Awareness Month®

For More Information on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, please visit the National Breast Cancer Foundation Foundation.

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I have been traveling for the past week as a part of the work I do as co-founder of Pregnancy Awareness Month®. I have been across the country in Louisville at the annual ABC Child Expo.  As a work experience, it has been fun and a wonderful networking opportunity.  But I missed my kid and had waves of guilt.  Does this ring true for any of you?  For those of you pregnant with your first baby, what are your plans for your return to work?  For the “traveling for working moms”, how are you managing the emotional preparation?

Last Friday, while walking to the hotel from the show, I was behind a man that was on his cell phone obviously talking to his child.  Here is how it went:  “No I’m the gross one, ok, your are grosser but my name is Mr. Gross.  Oh, you are Mr. and Mrs. Gross?  Well I have gross plus one more gross.  Ok, you have gross with a cherry on top….” They were fully engaged in a game of saying they were more gross than the other.  As it turns out, this dad was talking to his son and they have this silly yet sweet game which playfully connects them while he is on traveling rounds with his work.

My daughter and I have a heart exchange as a way to connect.  She was 2 when I first left on a business trip.  Here is our connective game: we put our hands over our hearts and close our eyes and think of each other.  I tell her that when she does that, then I am there with her, in her heart.  “Do you feel me?” I will say, “Yes, mommy, I feel your mama love.” We prepare for our separation by reminding each other of this ability, and during my absence when we talk on the phone we say it again.  When I first arrived at the trade show I took a picture of me holding my heart and sent it to her.  My husband said she sighed when she saw it that morning, and then ran off to her room to play before school.

What kind of ways do you reconnect with your young child?  If you are pregnant, and haven’t been in this situation, yet, consider your method.  Other ways I connected when she was pre-verbal was making drawings for her with little love notes for her and daddy to open when I was gone.  Making a book of pictures of us doing things together that she could look at.  Interested in your thoughts.

Alisa Donner, MSW, LCSW

Co-founder Pregnancy Awareness Month®

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If you are pregnant now and reading this, terrific! I encourage you to create your tribe now and start planning for the postpartum period. This can consist of fellow moms, dear friends you can ask for help and count on, and you can also hire a postpartum doula. Recently I spoke with Tara Brooke and Gina Giordano, who work respectively in San Francisco and Austin, Texas, and who offer Postpartum Doula Trainings and they described a postpartum doula as a ‘best friend for hire’ ~ they cook, they clean, they shop, they help with breastfeeding issues, they hold the baby while you shower etc. They suggest making a list of the things that you do every day and ask yourself, who will do those postpartum? Support has never meant so much as when you have a newborn!

So what are the baby blues and how do you treat them? Well, according to Dr. Shoshana Bennett, (Dr. Shosh) co- author of Beyond the Blues, Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression and Anxiety if you are feeling blue beyond two weeks postpartum, you may have postpartum depression. Baby blues occur for 50-80% of moms. Within two weeks of giving birth, it is natural for you to feel weepy and emotional as your hormones come back into balance, you may also feel sleep deprived, which is also entirely normal. Getting good rest is vital to overall wellness and this can be challenging with a newborn. If you experience the blues beyond two weeks you may wish to seek professional help. If you are experiencing depression in your pregnancy (15-23 % of women do) you can begin to treat it now via diet and lifestyle changes. Dr. Shosh recommends various treatments like individual/group counseling, emotional/physical support, massage, acupuncture, exercise and nutrition.

This blog would not be complete if I did not mention placenta encapsulation. Many women are choosing this option and the word is that the nutrients in your placenta can go very far in giving you the nutrition you need to remain happy and healthy.

So the good news is, postpartum life can truly feel like an emotional roller coaster and that is totally natural. We have all been there! If you have a history of depression and could use support during your pregnancy and postpartum, please ask for it! You deserve to feel healthy and loved and supported and there are numerous resources and support networks that exist for you. You don’t need to be a super mom and handle it all alone!

Stephanie Dawn, ALSP is a Sacred Birth Coach and licensed counselor supporting mamas in the prenatal and postpartum period in Los Angeles and internationally. She is the author of the Sacred Birth Workbook, Childbirth Preparation for the Heart, Mind and Spirit. Contact Stephanie for a complimentary consultation by emailing sacredbirth@me.com or go to www.stephaniedawn.com

Please check with your Medical Provider regarding any health or mental health symptoms or treatment.  Pregnancy Awareness Month is not endorsing one particular type of treatment, nor encouraging you to abstain from consulting with your Medical Provider.

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